I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
