Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
