not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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