I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
