I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
