the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
