Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
