I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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