Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sorry about my life...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
