sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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