I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
