I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
