my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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