glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
