I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
