I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
