my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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