my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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