someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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