I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
i think i just lost a toe
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
