sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
