he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
