he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
