I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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