3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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