Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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