this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Fuck me I smell like cheese
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
