I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
