Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
