So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
