Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
