If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
