So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
