ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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