I wish my penis had an off switch
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
