Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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