My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
