i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
