weddingsv make me drug and hornr
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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