when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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