I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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