im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
