It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
