Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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