Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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