Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
