Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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