You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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