You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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