hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
where are you?
Hypothermia
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
COCAINE IS GR8
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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