Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
