You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
