sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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