Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
