Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
